Christmas and my fickle temperament

Caroline, Vera, "Buzz" and I went to Dallas to visit my uncle and meet the rest of my family for Christmas. It was our year to spend Christmas with the Helmers side, which would usually have meant a trip to Scott City, America, but after my Dad's death in September, we decided a change of scenery might be nice. It was very, very kind of him to host our little three ring circus for 4.5 days. My mom also traveled with us. It was very nice to have her with us - she stayed with us during the week between Vera's birthday and Christmas and flew with us.

As Caroline has mentioned "Buzz" is a good kid. He's just not the type of kid who plays independently. He likes to play games - but not by himself. Likes to do dry-erase worksheets - but not by himself. Likes to play outside - but not by himself. And that frustrates me. Mainly because I'm selfish and want to do my own thing - and I usually don't write "play at least 3 games of go fish" on my mental to-do list.

Vera has never slept well on the road. She doesn't like a pack and play crib and doesn't like being in a different spot. I think she probably wakes up more than I know each night, but when she's in familiar surroundings, she's good and goes back to sleep.

Anyway - my uncle graciously let us stay in his master bedroom - with a huge bathroom. We put "Buzz's" bed in the bathroom and Vera's crib in our room the first two nights. D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R. Vera refused to sleep for more than like 2 hours at a time - with 30 minute screaming intervals inbetween. Exhausting. And, we couldn't let her cry it out (not that she even would have - she has her dad's endurance, apparently) because of "Buzz" and the rest of the family. So, that quickly took my Christmas joy away and made me an extremely grouchy person. To the point where I was so frustrated on Wednesday morning that I vented to Caroline - including some pretty serious cussing. I don't have a pure mouth because I don't have a pure mind. I usually have a better filter to at least prevent me from being embarassed at my language. But this time, the filter was gone. I was mad that I wasn't getting sleep. I was mad that "Buzz" always wanted to play. I was mad that I wasn't getting to do everything that I wanted to do.

After my little tirade, I took Vera for a walk in the stroller (our only method of getting naps done on this trip) and the only thing I could think of was that being tired didn't make me a total jerk - it just removed the filters so my true inner selfish jerk would come out in all its awful glory. Tiredness doesn't make me sin, it just reveals sin that is always there.

The walk allowed me to calm down, but also allowed the embarassment and guilt and shame set in. I get to spend Christmas in a big house with a generous, kind family around me. I have a healthy 1 year old girl who is 99% pure sweetness. Heck, I even managed to avoid the cold that plagued most of my family during the weekend. And, I say that not to say that if I could just remember all the good stuff, and then flex my "happiness" muscles, I could fix my own awful attitude. Not at all. My own little tantrum does make me very glad that God is not like me - in lots of ways - but specifically that he is not fickle and does not have mood swings. He promised a Messiah in Genesis 3 and worked out the whole Old Testament with that plan in mind and became flesh and dwelt among us at Christmas to begin setting everything right again - including my rotten, selfish fickle heart - incrementally now and some day fully (come, Lord Jesus). Praise God!

We made it back safe and sound and Vera slept like a rock last night - guessing she was pretty darn tired, too! God is kind.

Look for some pictures from our trip from Caroline soon.